I (Barely) Survived “A Frosty Fest”
On Saturday, I along with my sister Sherri, girlfriend Samantha and son Brody ventured downstate a bit to 'A Frosty Fest'. A Christmas-y, holiday lights thing that features characters like Santa, a penguin, snow boy and girls, some live shows and snack/souvenir shops. Interestingly enough it's also the same place in Ulster Park (just outside of Kingston) where they do the Headless Horseman around Halloween time which I've gone to a least 4 or 5 times. I've gone on record saying that the Headless Horseman is far and away the best haunted attraction you will probably ever go. A Frosty Fest...ehhh not so much.
Let me first start off by saying I don't like the cold, and neither does my sister and this thing took place mainly outside, you see where this is headed, right? Samantha is a great sport and pretty much a saint and won't complain (like I will the whole time) and somehow my son Brody never seems to get cold. So, guess who had the most fun?
It cost something like $18 a ticket for adults and $13 or $14 for kids 12 and under. I'm not complaining about the prices, everything is expensive these days and considering that the Headless Horseman costs a gazillion dollars this seemed like a decent value especially if my 4 1/2 year-old has a good time.
Before we got started I had to pee. In reality, I didn't have to go too badly but I wanted to attempt the port-a-potty before my hands were completely frozen and were still somewhat functional. After I zipped up, I squirted some of the hand sanitizer they provide and rubbed my hands together. When the alcohol in the sanitizer mixed with the cold air blowing on my digits, it was like instant frostbite. I thought to myself, 'What would Leo in The Revenant do here...how would he survive this?' I thought about burrowing myself into a giant life sized teddy-bear for warmth, but how would I get inside? The entrance point of any stuffed animal is usually the bottom and I'd have to crawl through Teddy's butthole which isn't a good Frosty Fest look, even he's warm.
I got some feeling back in my hands and the 4 of us settled in for a live show. Brody was kind of enjoying the story of an elf in Santa's workshop who missed his brother or something. I don't really remember because I was jumping up and down trying to keep my feet warm while looking around at other the other parents who seemed to be enjoying themselves wayyyy too much. 3 minutes into the stage show, I gave my sister a look, Samantha a nod, and we grabbed the little man and kept walking to see some other sights.
We went inside Santa's Magical Workshop, hoping it would be a respite from the cold. It wasn't. The characters inside the workshop were dressed as Santa's helpers and they were very sweet to Brody explaining to him that this was the place they made all the sweet treats at the North Pole or whatever.
Now mind you, many of the buildings and stuff they use for Frosty Fest are the same structures they use for the Headless Horseman. I recognized that the workshop doubles as a gory hotel of horror. So now I'm pretty much convinced that the sweet girl baking cupcakes a week before Christmas was the same girl holding a dead child in her hand chasing me around the Lunar Motel screaming "Isn't she beaaautiful???
After about an hour, we felt like we had enough. We stopped at the gift shop, Aunt Sherri bought little man a Frosty stuffed toy, and we decided to make the long, cold trek back up North.
When we got into the car, Brody in the cutest sweetest little voice goes, "But we can't leave...we haven't seen Santa yet.' He wasn't wrong. But we finally wrangled him into his car seat, the heat kicked on, and we were finally starting to thaw. There was no turning back into Frosty's Frostbitten Flatland.
It's amazing what the collective heads of adults can pull off when everyone is on the same page. We all started telling Brody that Santa wasn't there because he was either taking a nappy, helping the elves make toys, or he was eating dinner with Mrs. Claus. We all played a part, not just me - which I know many of you are thinking.
After a few minutes, Brody stopped asking about seeing Santa; in his brain it was perfectly plausible that he was filling up his belly with the Misses. Brody played with his new toy while the rest of us fiddled with the heat vents to make sure we got a direct blast on areas we had hypothermia while Brody was as warm and toasty as could be in the backseat. He's fine, he's tough. Unlike me...