I know, I know. When you hear “Clifton Park” you think of soccer moms, minivans and every boringly basic chain restaurant that exists. #Snoozefest.

Imagine how boring life must be for all of the young tortured teenage souls of Clifton Park, NY. The only entertainment is shoving a burrito stuffed with queso from Moe’s down your throat followed by a walk over to our “mall” to see the hottest PG-13 movie for a mere $13 a ticket. Turn up.

Are you and your heartthrob/bae looking to exchange a little saliva this weekend? Check out this list to find the steamiest places in the most suburbanly terminal town to lock lips with your lover.

  1.  The Commons-The most basic and overused place in Clifton Park. What’s more romantic than cuddling up in a freezing cold dugout getting Big League Chew stuck in your hair and sitting in bird poop? Nothing. It’s the kind of thing Nicholas Sparks novels are inspired by.
  2. Clifton Park Movie Theatre-This may come as a shocker to some of you, but the Clifton Park Movie Theatre is a place dreams come true for the CP youth. MAKEOUT TIP: The arm rests move back in the CP movie theatre. Keep calm and cuddle on. Just make sure the makeout session is top-notch since you’re basically dropping a mil for 90 minutes to see a movie you could eventually watch on Netflix later for free 99.
  3. Speaking of Netflix, Netflix and chilling in your parents' finished basement is a prime spot to lock lips in the world of Clifton Parkers. Extra points if your mom's book club is upstairs “discussing novels,” aka chugging wine and complaining about how hard suburban life is.
  4. This may be out of date since we have a camera at our millennial fingertips on our phones at all times but any photobooth in the area, most importantly the mall and the bowling alley. It’s so dreamy making out with your honey as long as you can before some evil troll (probably the same person in class that reminds the teacher to collect the homework) notices your UGG boots under the curtain and calls you out. #soembarrassing
  5. Peddlers-Since Clifton Park is the world of families going to baseball practice and people being insanely bored with their routinely dull lives, there is only one prime bar in the area: Peddlers. When those lights go down and the drinks start flowin- you know where your lips are goin. This is obviously geared more towards the 21 and up crowd out there.
  6. The overlooked opportunity of the Exit 8 Park and Ride. Park your car and go for it, don’t forget it's okay to work up an appetite. Dunkin Donuts is right next door. End getting some sugar with eating some. It’s okay, no one will judge you.
  7. The hallways of Shenendehowa High School are the best spots to gross people out with your public displays of affection (this obviously only applies to students, you sickos). Just be careful – the hall monitors will think you’re trying to start a riot if you don’t have a pass and will probably scream into their walkie talkies asking for “back up” and that there’s a “Code 456” going down. Sooo rebellious. You wild thing, you.
  8. Let’s be real, most of Clifton Park consists of either trees, stores, or houses. Take advantage of the nature freak inside of you and explore what mother nature intended for you to french kiss your boo in. Last but not least, Clifton Park has trails, parks and the ever famous Vischer Ferry Preserve. Just make sure you’re not in any of these places after hours. The cops in Clifton Park have nothing to do, so they will pull up with their lights on while you’re in the backseat and create permanent humiliation in your soul as they write you a ticket. Appearing in court because you were kissing outdoors? Does it get any more Clifton Park?

That’s all the tips I have for you today, Clifton Parkers. Make out with your tongue out.

DISCLAIMER: In all honestly Clifton Park is the most boring place to makeout or to do anything for that matter, so just get out of here.